


When the Shadow Moves Over You

by LibraryMage



Series: Tired Soldiers In This War [1]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 12:39:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10854189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Ahsoka is trapped on Malachor, haunted by the ghosts of her past.  After more than a year, one of the ghosts decides to help her instead.(content warning for hallucinations, survivor's guilt, and minor focus on death)





	When the Shadow Moves Over You

It had been over a year since Ahsoka had first set foot on this planet.  Over a year since she'd found herself face-to-face with Anakin.  No, Vader.  No....well, it didn't really matter anymore, did it?  For over a year, Ahsoka had been trapped here on Malachor, with no one but her own inner voice and her ghosts to keep her company.

And the ghosts wouldn't leave her alone.  Since the temple had been destroyed, she hadn't lived a single day that wasn't haunted by the ghosts of her past, her mistakes, her fears.  Sometimes she just heard their voices.  Sometimes she knew it was just her own thoughts, and her mind was playing tricks on her, trying to make her think it was them.  Sometimes she knew in her heart that these were _their_ thoughts and _their_ words, even if they were things she'd never heard them say.  Sometimes she saw them.  Those were the worst days.

Anakin.  Asking her why she left, why she abandoned the Jedi, why she abandoned _him_.  Telling her none of this would have happened if she'd stayed.  Asking her how she could have been this selfish, hadn't he taught her better than that?  Telling her she'd brought this fate on her friends, her family, the whole galaxy through her own actions.

Padmé.  Asking her how she never realized Anakin was falling.  She was his apprentice, she was always by his side, how could she not have seen it?  Or had she known the whole time and just been too scared or too wrapped up in her own problems to do something?  Telling her she had cost Padmé her love, and ultimately her life.

Obi-Wan.  Telling her he'd always known, from the second he met her, that she would end up disappointing them all, that she wasn't cut out to be a Jedi.  Telling her Anakin was never the same after she left, blaming her choice for his fall.

Kaeden.  Telling her the destruction of Raada, the only home she'd ever known, was her fault.  Why couldn't she have stayed away and not brought her problems down on a town full of innocent people?  So many died in the attack, and their blood was all on Ahsoka's hands.

Barriss.  Telling her of course what happened to Anakin was her fault.  If she had just opened her eyes and seen that the Jedi were being used the whole time, she could have saved him and prevented all of this.  She'd thought Ahsoka was smart.  How could she not have figured it out?

Plo.  Steela.  Rex.  Bail.  Kanan.  Hera.  Ezra.  Ghosts of the dead and the living that kept following her, scratching open her doubts and fears like old wounds and digging out new ones she didn't even realize she had.  All she wanted was a day...no, not even a day, just a _moment_ of rest, one brief moment where she wasn't haunted by the memories of every single person she had lost or hurt or let down.  But she had never gotten that, and she knew she never would.

And so it didn't surprise her at all when she saw him.  Ezra.  Probably here to tell her that she should have stopped them from going to Malachor, that she should have killed Maul the second she saw him, that what had happened to Kanan was her fault.  She knew exactly what he'd say because he'd said it before.  And he was right about all of it.

But he didn't speak to her.  In fact, he wasn't anywhere near her.  She watched from a distance as he made his way toward the ruins of the temple.  The voices of the ghosts aside, Malachor was a quiet place, so she was easily able to hear him when he said "Don't know what I'm even supposed to be looking for."  Talking to himself, not to her.  That had never happened before.

He looked different, too.  He'd grown taller and his hair was shorter now.  He wasn't exactly the little kid Ahsoka had met what seemed like a lifetime ago.  This was the first time her vision of Ezra hadn't looked like he had the last time she'd seen him.  Could he...no.  It couldn't _really_ be him.  Why would he be here?  Why now?

Still, Ahsoka reached out through the Force, her curiosity overpowering her.  Her mind brushed against his and she pulled back into herself immediately.  He was real.  He was _there_.  Ezra froze, looked up, and glanced around, almost like he'd heard something and was searching for the source.  In a moment, he shook his head and kept walking.  Ahsoka could just barely hear him mutter "I hate this place."

As he got closer to the ruins, Ahsoka followed him, sticking to the shadows, part of her still convinced he wasn't really there.  Ezra stopped again and turned around, narrowing his eyes as he watched for any sign of movement in the shadows around him.

"I know you're there," he said.  "I can feel you watching me."  Ahsoka didn't reply and stayed perfectly still, though she couldn't for the life of her figure out why.  Ezra waited a moment but heard nothing.

"Been here five minutes and I'm already losing it," he said to himself.

"You're not," Ahsoka said.  Ezra jumped.  His lightsaber was in his hand in less than a second, the green light of the blade driving the darkness back, but not by much.  Ahsoka took a few steps forward and saw Ezra's eyes widen when he finally saw her clearly.  With a _hiss_ , the green blade vanished.

"We all thought you were dead," Ezra said, staring at her like...well, she guessed he sort of _was_ seeing a ghost.  Ahsoka shook her head.

"You've been here this whole time," Ezra said.  "Ahsoka, I -- we didn't know."  Horror and panic were creeping into his voice with each word as the reality of what had happened to Ahsoka hit him.  "If we thought you were still --"

"Ezra, don't," she said.  "You didn't know.  You couldn't have known."

"Ahsoka, I'm sorry," Ezra said.  "We should've come back for you."

She shook her head again, still hesitant to believe she was really speaking to Ezra Bridger and not some figment of her imagination.  "You did the right thing.  Both of you.  You got out of here.  You survived."

"How did _you_ survive?" he asked.  "I thought -- we were sure Vader was gonna kill you."

Ahsoka actually laughed.  She'd been sure of the same thing.

"He didn't," she said.  "I don't know why."  She sat down on a nearby chunk of stone that had fallen when the temple exploded.  Ezra was still staring at her, no longer with confusion and disbelief, but with concern.

"Ahsoka..." his voice died in his throat and he paused for a moment.  Ahsoka could practically see the gears turning in his head as he tried to think of what to say.  "Are you --"

"Please tell me you're not about to ask if I'm okay," she said.

"Alright, stupid question," he said as he sat down beside her.

"Are you?" she asked.  "Okay, I mean."

"You've been stuck here for over a year and you're asking _me_ if I'm okay," Ezra said.

"Stupid question," she said, echoing his words.  The silence between them stretched out for an eternity before Ahsoka spoke again.

"Are you real?" she asked.  Ezra looked up at her, surprised by the question.

"Of course," he said.

"Then why are you here?"

"I had a vision," he said, kicking at a small rock on the ground in front of him.  "I wasn't sure at first, but I think it meant I was supposed to come back here.  I was supposed to find something."

Suddenly, his eyes widened and he slammed the heel of his hand into his forehead.

"You," he said.  "I was supposed to find you.  After a kriffing _year_."

"Better late than never, I guess," Ahsoka said.  Though she couldn't help but wonder why it had taken a year for it to happen.  Was it just that Ezra was growing more susceptible to visions from the Force?  Or was it that she was meant to be here?  That she _deserved_ to be here.

"This shouldn't have happened," Ezra said quietly.  "You don't deserve this place."

For a second, Ahsoka wondered if she'd accidentally spoken out loud.  She wasn't exactly used to talking to real people anymore.  But Ezra's eyes were unfocused and he was staring at the ground in front of him.  He didn't seem to be responding to anything she'd said.  After another moment of silence, he looked back up at her.

"Let's go home," he told her.

"I think I'd like that," Ahsoka said with her first real smile in…she didn't really know how long.

They walked in silence for a while, with Ezra leading the way.  Then Ahsoka realized there was something she hadn't asked him.

"What happened to Kanan?" she asked.  She saw Ezra's shoulders stiffen at the question.

"He's blind," Ezra said.  "Permanently.  But he's alive, and it's been more than a year.  He's had time to get used to it."  He paused for a moment, trying to figure out how best to say what he wanted to say.  "He shouldn't have had to, though."

"I'm sorry," Ahsoka said, remembering everything her visions of Ezra had said.  She should have done something.  She knew they couldn't trust Maul.  She knew what he was and she did nothing.

"No," Ezra said.  "I didn't mean -- it wasn't your fault.  It was mine.  Nothing would've happened to Kanan if I hadn't trusted Maul."

"You didn't know," Ahsoka pointed out.

"But I should've been smart enough to figure it out," Ezra said.

"If there's anyone who should've known not to trust him, it's me," Ahsoka told him.  "I've dealt with Maul before.  I knew what he was.  I should've killed him the minute I saw him."

"Doesn't really sound like you."  As soon as Ezra said it, Ahsoka realized he was right.  That didn't sound like her at all.  She didn't respond, and the silence between them quickly grew uncomfortable.  This time it was Ezra who broke it.

"When you were in the temple," he said, Ahsoka could feel his curiosity and his hesitation, like he wasn't sure he should be saying this, "before...before we left, you called Vader something --"

"Anakin," she said, answering his question before he finished asking it.  Ezra thought for a second before he recognized the name.

"Your master," he said.

"Yeah."

"Ahsoka, I'm sorry," Ezra said.  "That couldn't have been easy."

Ahsoka didn't want to admit it, but it had been easier that it should have been, at least until she'd heard his voice -- his _real_ voice -- and seen that lost, desperate look in his eye.

"He turned not too long after I left the Order," she said.  "Sometimes I think maybe if I'd stayed, none of this would've happened."

"You didn't know," Ezra said, echoing her own words back at her.

"I should have," she said.

"I'm starting to feel like we've had this conversation before," Ezra told her, looking back at her and smiling.  "You should take your own advice.  This wasn't your fault."

"I wish I could believe that," Ahsoka said.

"When I told Kanan I thought it was my fault he went blind, he told me I needed to forgive myself," Ezra said.

"Have you?" Ahsoka asked.  Ezra hesitated.

"No," he said.

"Not that easy, is it?"

"Guess not."

They'd reached the spot where Ezra had landed a ship, well, a shuttle really, about the same size of the Phantom, that had clearly been painted by Sabine.

"Ready to get off this rock?" Ezra asked her.  Ahsoka glanced back, taking one last look at the place she'd been trapped for a year.

"As I'll ever be," she said.


End file.
